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 Zac Efron, 35, Posing for Teen Choice Awards 2012

Zac Efron, 35, Posing for Teen Choice Awards 2012

TEXT BY MAX SHERIDAN
“Blonde, young, gorgeous. Could this be the kind of woman who makes actor Zac Efron settle down?”
— Inquisitr News

You don't have to look far for English in need of TLC. But as purveyors of top-notch linguistic blunders we go that extra step. Today we bring you pulpy tidings of the sordid love life of one of Hollywood's cutest male stars—all the way from distant India.

Where apparently—sadly, perplexingly—Zac Efron has already arrived, extended his doughy little paws and is now a household name.

We've decided to present this ode to Zefron in the form of a classical commentary so you can enjoy the full text without badgering interruptions, hung jaws or snarky asides embedded in the the story.

For those, just scroll down.

Editor's note: This article was originally published online by The Inquisitr under the title Zac Efron Found Love In A Hopeless Place: A Photoshop Affair. It has since disappeared from their webiste. There is no clear explanation as to why this happened. Days later, the article cloned itself and can now be found in its entirety on a number of shabby Internet news sites including Newspost365, where we stumbled across it again.


Dear Baylee, I don't like you anymore Vis.jpg

From the horse's mouth

Blonde, young, gorgeous. Could this be the kind of woman who makes actor Zac Efron settle down?
Baylee Woodward had her fairytale love life for one year of travelling all around the world with her soon to become a lover.

It seemed like the perfect lifetime: handsome and famous boyfriend, living in places one could only be dreaming of, enjoying the most exotic clear water beaches, seeing 12 different countries and memorising the experiences with stunning pictures.
 
So far, so good.
 
But what is left to do when he decides suddenly to break up? Instead of bursting into tears, the girl decided to go out from the shadow she was kept for such a long time and… shine!

A Storyline commentary

Blonde, young, gorgeous. Could this be the kind of woman who makes actor Zac Efron settle down?
Baylee Woodward had her fairytale love life for one year of travelling all around the world with her soon to become a lover.

We have nothing against this intro, besides the fact that we have no interest in Efron or his love life. Baylee Woodward actually reminds us of the flapper/actress who lost out to Fay Wray for the starring non-ape role in the original King Kong. But is Zac Efron a "soon to become a lover"? Is anyone a "soon to become a lover"? What does this mean? And certainly of more linguistic interest: How did Woodward enjoy a whole year of fairytale globetrotting with one of Hollywood's most charming man-children and not become his lover. We sense tense confusion here. Plus, the juxtaposition of "Zac Efron" and "lover" is just disturbing on so many levels. We would prefer here instead "travel buddy", "Happy Hour companion" or "second mate".

It seemed like the perfect lifetime: handsome and famous boyfriend, living in places one could only be dreaming of, enjoying the most exotic clear water beaches, seeing 12 different countries and memorising the experiences with stunning pictures.

It did seem like the perfect thing, didn't it? Until Zac Efron entered the picture. I don't know, but do you memorize experiences with pictures? Isn't this some kind of conceptual oxymoron. 

So far, so good.

A better sentence here would be: Are you still with me? Why?

But what is left to do when he decides suddenly to break up? Instead of bursting into tears, the girl decided to go out from the shadow she was kept for such a long time and… shine!

What is left to do? Let us answer that question ourselves. Find another boyfriend who is not Zac Efron, instantly making yourself less miserable. You are Zefron-free and will no longer burst into tears and lurk in the shadows. Shine, girl! Yes, shine!